The Best Advice You'll Ever Get

Dear Impressionable Minds,

As the one year anniversary of my graduation has come and gone and I return to the hallowed halls of academia (courtesy of a redeye flight, 1 layover, and an over-priced plane ticket), I find myself thinking of what specific articles of knowledge I would not be graced with had I not taken the leap in to higher knowledge (and an exciting leap in to debt at a low fixed interest rate.)

Freshman year is an incredible time in a student's life. A year full of ambition, hope, confidence, virginity, and many other things certain to be crushed by mid-terms. These exciting first few weeks offer the opportunity for new friends, budding romances, and experiences of a life time. But before you fill yourself up on too much over-priced cafeteria delights, allow me to share some things that I learned in an effort to save you some time:

*. Take a mental note of your "bros" and "girls" that you'll be heading to a party with this weekend; if you're still hanging out with more than half of them : congratulations. You have defied odds; and other people are probably talking shit about how weird you all are (don't worry, the shit talking holds true for 95% of what I'm about to say. I'm leaving most of it out going forward so that you don't have to feel like I'm as disappointed in you as your parents are for not going their alma mater(s). You wouldve looked like a queer in those colors anyway).

*. That girl down the hall that you think is flirting with you is not. She's using you because she hopes you know an upper-classman who you can convince to buy her a $8 handle of booze. Ps she's probably banging your roommate.

*. Playing (insert game console of choice) everytime you're not in class makes you a loser. Having your door open while you're doing it only makes things worse. Go make yourself a cocktail and study in the library. (What? You never rewarded yourself for studyIng?)

*. Pay attention to how long your laundry cycles last. If you come back and your shits on the ground or on top of the washer: its no ones fault but your own. Just be thankful that it hasn't been urinated on (College kids are fucking disgusting).

*. Don't be afraid to make friends with the cleaning crew that you see in the mornings, you never know when you'll need a favor. They essentially have keys to every door on campus: this can be helpful.

*. If you don't plan on going to grad school, your GPA and major is practically irrelevant once you graduate. "C's get degrees."

These little nuggets of truth can hopefully get you on the path to enlightment. I hope you all take note of this information as it may get you further than the douche bag down the hall who things everyone wants to listen to the same music that he does. Now on the flipside, if you found my suggestions lame and inapplicable: I couldn't care less. I can actually afford to buy Grey Goose; I don't need to run the aforementioned $8 handle through a brita filter to make it taste less like rubbing alcohol.

With that being said, I wish you best of luck in your future endeavors and hope to see you among the ranks of recent college graduates who hate their jobs.


Hugs and kisses,

Uncle Jeff