Classic

Everyone loves dogs. Not everyone loves when they do that hyper move that involves them doing the NFL Combine shuttle run across your living room, but all that aside, dogs are awesome.

Did this dog deserve what was coming to him? Probably, but he was unharmed, so there's no reason for worry.

Big Cat Takes A Tumble

Jaime "Big Cat" De Pena was not only put on the 10-day DL by the Fenway Park Grounds Crew, but received mentions on Sports Nation, Pardon the Interruption, Around the Horn and even the month of April's Not Top 10, coming in at number 2, only beaten by Charles Barkley's golf swing.

Here's to you, Big Cat.

And just in case you can't get enough, here's what the tarp crew in Florida has had to deal with over the years.

Chain E-Mail: Guy Wants To Renew Gym Membership

I almost completely forgot about this guy, but came across some of his letters tonight. The first time I read this, I was sitting at a desk in a cubicle at the insurance company I worked at for 3 summers...nearly passed out trying to hold my laughter in. Enjoy.

From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.

Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.

He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.

I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

And You Thought Your Day Sucked...

"I like him way more, but he likes him, too." I don't care if Kanye West saved me and my entire family from a burning building surrounded by dragons and spiders, I still wouldn't do this to see him. But oh my god, is it funny! This should've won some award for the biggest twist is radio history!

It's going as great as this bullshit can go right up until, WHAP! Sleeping with her sister! CAN YOU DIG IT?!? I know the video's 9 minutes long, but you need to watch every second. I'm giddy like a damn schoolgirl waiting for the big moment. Enjoy.

"WHAT WAS HIS NAME...UH....FRANK?!?!?"

I Had To Post It

In case people are unsure of what interview Ben was talking about, or if you just haven't seen it in a while, here it is. Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman.

I've never been a big fan of Letterman, like when he says he doubts Phoenix will be on performing his music like a douche bag. But when he drops the Unabomber line, then with Joaquin asking about his thumb with some outstanding detective skills, its just too much. I couldn't not watch the whole thing. I still have no idea what to make of this, but that's up to you guys in Blog City.

The Whistle's Like 'WOOOO!'

So much to say, so little time. This is the craziest news story to NOT come out of Alabama in the past decade.

Whistling mufflers sound like a downright terrible idea. But like my friend Curtis Jackson always says, get rich or die tryin', right? I don't blame the guy who's installing these, who they only give like 20 seconds of face time to.

What I take issue is with everything Bubb Rubb is about. A huge Oakland Raiders fan, Mr. Rubb just happened to be in the right place at the right time for this interview. Whoever that crazy lady next to him is was all about bejazzling her mouth to the rafters. Nameless crazy lady, please say "decoration" one more time...jeez.

This video is only two and a half minutes long, but here are some of the finer points: Bubb Rubb comparing mufflers by making a high-pitched and low-pitched "WOO-WOO" sound...the white lady who hates the noise so much, all she does is smile during her interview...the scene at 1:33: not only is Bubb Rubb comparing the sound to an alarm clock, and making the "WOO-WOO" noise again, but he is just holding a random piece of car in his hands...

And finally? Their demonstration of the muffler. You can't even hear the whistling, and THEY'RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, ALMOST HIT A CAR, AND BLOW THROUGH A STOP SIGN! Welcome to Oakland, bitches.

Hide Ya' Kids...

Here's to the most ridiculous news story I've ever seen in my life. Down in Alabama, apparently..."they rapin' everybody."

Antoine Dodson's sister was a victim of an attempted raping in her 2nd story apartment bedroom one night. Now, that's obviously not the funny part. The funny part is her brother's reaction. Why in the world would they put this man on television? He nearly sent Alabama into a full-blown panic by telling people to hide their kids, wives and even husbands. The reason? Because they rapin' everybody out here.

Now there may be some of you who aren't that impressed by the ridiculousness of this story. Naysayers need not hold their breath. Here's another version of the story....

Vegetables, Vegetables, Vegetables!!!!!!!!

Warning: This video is perhaps the funniest shit I have seen on the internet in a minute. How this hasn't gone absolutely viral, I'm talking at least a million hits, is beyond me.

Not only did I learn the finer things of fashion from this clip, but I now have an absolutely unbreakable appreciation for breathing. I was pretty close to having a hernia from laughing at Yogi Okie Dokie and his farm friends. That Rasta Rooster can come party with me any day of the week. There are some pretty rad dance moves I picked up that I can add to my repertoire instead of just busting the stanky leg out every time the track changes. Really though, I will stanky leg to anything, I hear two spoons banging in a somewhat rhythmic manner and its over, instincts kick in and I'm prisoner to the stank.

All joking aside should I call someone or something? To me it seems like Yogi Okie Dokie is doing some not so okie dokie creepy pedophile shit out on his farm with the rooster and Milky the Cow. When he says 'nice breathing, Christian' in a that menacing voice my laughter came to an abrupt hault, but then this guy goes on and does the 'chicken scratching in the dirt' move and I nearly collapsed with laughter. I'm just looping this video over and over again and still can't believe its real. Check it out though if you don't laugh you probably don't have a belly button and should never read this cutting-edge blog ever again.

Just a quick side note, do you think this guy does kids parties, perhaps bachelor events? If so I would love to hire him with all my buddies and sip a few cold ones and laugh as him and is band of misfits puts on the most entertaining show of my life.

Also thanks Steve for putting me on to this.