Mr. Tumnus Is Freaking Out

Someone needs to tell Mr. Tumnus the White which is dead and he needs to take a chill pill. Narnia is safe for another day.

Imagine how terrible it would be if this goat and this frog banged and had kids. That would be an unbearable duo at couples night just straight yelling their faces off.

We're All In Serious Trouble...

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I thought we dispelled this thing years ago, but alas...we're fucked. Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Goat Sucker, La Chupacabra is back! And deadlier than ever... It has now multiplied, and is taking over planet Earth, one farm at a time.

Jack Farr, the local farmer who shot una chupacabra explains it all. He claims it has the ears of a deer, and was a weird pinkish color. Funny, the first thing I notice when I take a look at it is the hideous ugliness or the GIANT SHARP TEETH. A lot of animals have deer like ears, and human skin can be sort of pinkish, that doesn't scare me. "Think of them as a less sexy version of 'Twilight''s infamous vampire Edward Cullen." Big ups to my boy Mike Krumboltz at YahooBuzz.com for that gem.

And how about Farmer Jack bustin' out the knowledge of its lair: "Well that's where I would live if I were a chupacabra..." You rat bastard, we need 24/7 surveillance going on him. Who knows what he could be up to. Dammit, he could own a chupacabra farm, raising them up from chupacrabronies to full-grown, completely outrageous and blood-thirsty chupacabras.

Star-Crossed Lovers Allowed to Marry

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Here we have the classic tale of man-bangs-goat. This story really has everything: a full-feature Hollywood film needs forbidden love, a tragic split between the lovers, a happy ending, and most importantly, a steamy goat sex scene. Someone call James Cameron. But seriously, this Alifi character sounds like a real a-hole. First he barges in on this guy banging his goat, then proceeds to "capture and tie him up." Whats this world coming to if we cant even bang a neighbor's goat without the fear of being tied up and captured. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together." At least we can all rest tonight knowing that these two are still happily together banging in a run-down shack somewhere in Sudan.

It was also reported that after the wedding the man's father and best man also banged and married the goat's guests of honor. YEAH BUDDY!