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Sunday, January 31, 2010

11 and 12-Year Old Brothers Sentenced for Torture

LONDON – A pair of British children who lured two other youngsters to a secluded area and subjected them to a horrifying catalog of near-fatal abuse were sentenced to at least five years in custody Friday.

The attackers, 10 and 11 at the time, were convicted of robbing, beating, and stabbing their victims with sticks and bricks. One child, 10, had a sink thrown onto his head, while his nephew, 9, was forced to eat nettles. The violence included sexual degradation, Justice Brian Keith said during the sentencing.

The attackers suffered from a "toxic home life," according to Peter Kelson, who represents the eldest brother. Kelson said his client watched ultra-violent films like the "Saw" series, had access to pornographic DVDs, drank cider, had 10 cigarettes a day and smoked cannabis grown on his father's plot from the age of 9. Many television bulletins lingered on the sign affixed to the outside of the family's home, which read: "BEWARE OF THE KIDS." By Raphael G. Satter, Associated Press Writer

What the #%@&... I mean, yeah, they were picking on somebody their own size, but holy cannoli. Sinks to the head, eating sharp plants, these punks were sporting quite the arsenal. This is probably the most bizarre story I've ever read in my life, beating out "Green Eggs and Ham" and "James and the Giant Peach."

Friday, January 29, 2010

Valley Warrior's Movie Clip of the Week


An Apple a Day...

A few days ago in San Fransisco, Apple's chief executive Steve Jobs unveiled the company's newest lovechild: the iPad. The iPad is one of the nicest looking pieces of equipment that Apple has rolled out, and while it has extraordinary capabilties, it seems a little bit unneccessary. Many have called it, "Apple's giant phone." The battery life is 10 hours, it has a backlit LED screen, and comes with 16, 32, or 64GB of memory. The drawbacks are that there is no camera, no built-in USB ports, no HDMI port, no locking system, and no 'Flash' so many videos and graphics will have a little bit of trouble being displayed.

Basically, if I were to rip the screen apart from the keyboard on this Macbook I was using right now, and install the same components as an iTouch, I'd be in better shape. Yeah, the thing looks awesome, but it just sounds to me like someone was joking around at Apple holding up a computer to their face, and next thing you know, boom. The iPad. A lot of technology we have nowadays is over-priced and mostly unnecessary to laypeople anyway, so "if you just drag 2 fingers across the screen," you can drag the iPad right into the trash bin.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Infomercial Of The Week

The fact that there was no award for the inventor of this tears me up inside. Imagine a product like this, with the immaculate selling prowess of the late Billy Mays. No ass would be safe again...

Get 'em while they're hot!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Emmanuel College: A Brief Moment in History

Emmanuel College, a budding institution of high learning in the heart of Boston, hasn't had too many events that have shaped modern American history. I suppose the closest, in physical proximity anyway, that Emmanuel has come was the Stewart-Gardner Museum heist of 1990, biggest heist in U.S. history.

In the early 1970s, a professor with his doctorate in psychology from Tufts University, taught here at Emmanuel College. His name was Dick Berggren, a professional motorist who began his career in 1967 and notched 26 victories on the track until he retired in 1981. His last race was cut short after his car rode up a dirt bank and crashed, causing over 200 spectators to scatter.

Berggren taught for nine years at Emmanuel, and his last day was most historical indeed. Upon walking out to his driveway in the morning, he noticed that the only available vehicle he had to take to work was his truck, which still had his race car attached to the back. He did not have enough time to unhitch the car, so he drove it to the faculty parking lot at Emmanuel. The car was covered and mud, and covered in racing decals and advertisements, like most race cars are. Apparently, this didn't sit well with the school president at the time. She called Berggren into her office, explained that he needed to remove the car, and he promptly quit.

"I knew right then and there that my academic career and my racing didn't go together anymore," said Berggren. "I felt I could always go back to academia."

The real reason that this is so important to our nation's history, is because this decision by Berggren allowed him to star as himself in the classic film, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."

If that wasn't his ultimate goal to begin with, then Dick Berggren must've been one lucky bastard.

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Listen up, sports fans. As everyone knows, yesterday was a great day for the National Football League. The Jets finally lost, Brett Favre was carried off the field, and... who dat in the Super Bowl?!?

Both were great games to watch, but I just feel bad for the refs of the NFC Championship who had to go home and tell their wives that they were screwing everyone at that game. They were throwing flags like Dennis Quaid throws himself into terrible movies.

I think the most ridiculous thing about today's action was the Madden 2010 simulation of both match-ups. Why? Because the final scores were a combined touchdown with the extra point off. Combined. A Madden 2010 game engine, simulated these two games before they happened, and the results were 31-17 for the Jets-Colts, and 34-31 for the Vikings-Saints. Now, i know there's really no relevance in these games, they're just video games, but that's pretty wacky, so let me enjoy this.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tiger Finally Caged?

According to several sources, it has recently been leaked that Tiger Woods has been admitted to a sex rehabilitation clinic. These reports came from Benoit Denizet-Lewis, the author of an upcoming book titled, "America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life." Denizet-Lewis, a recovering sex addict himself, is making this claim based on an unnamed source. There are photos circulating around the internet showing Woods in a hooded sweatshirt and baseball hat coming out of the Hattiesburg, Mississippi clinic.

Welcome to the real world, Eldrick. You knew sooner or later you were going to have to pay for paying for your "actions." But seriously, putting The Tiger Woods into sex rehab is like telling the goddamn Kool-Aid Man to stop smashing through houses. YOU CANNOT STOP HIM YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN HIM. After all, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, you know what I'm sayin'?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Maria Says She's Dyin'

She never actually said that.

As many of you know the first major of the tennis season, the Australian Open, has started... Yeah, you probably had no idea but it's cool, because it has. Now, I love tennis as much as anyone; Federer and Roddick had one of the most exciting finals ever played last year at the US Open. Nadal and Federer at Wimbledon two years ago? Awesome.

Without trying to sounding too much like a douche, the only reason I like watching women's tennis is for Sharapova and any other Sharapova-esque player. So excuuuuse me when I'm not running for the remote to turn on the action. But just look at some of the matches being played in the women's draw. Its like a late-night HBO lineup. Unfortunately, once you get to the quarters, the models fall and we are left with the Williams sisters and their barbaric grunting.

Infomercial Of The Week

I barely have to explain this infomercial other than saying, yes it's 100% true. Wow, just wow.

I guess the one positive thing that we can all take from this, that is if you're not already picking up hoards of Tiddy Bears, is that this name inspired "THE Tiddy Bear" in all of her glory.

New Math

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Martha Coakley is a Genuine Chocolate Face

It takes a real idiot to blow a 20 point lead when running for the late senator Ted Kennedy's' seat as the Democratic nominee. Massachusetts is the nation's most liberal state. Boston is Massachusetts' most liberal city. Martha has good ol' El Presidente out on the campaign trail and she continues to lose her edge in the polls.

Why, you ask? Just watch the video.

Yes, Martha, George Bush is a Republican. Putting a picture of him next to Scott Brown to show he's a Republican doesn't prove that Scott Brown will suck, too.

And at the 7 second mark in the video, what point are you trying to prove? All republicans are Nazis? Or was that just a bad picture choice?

Oh yeah, 19 seconds in, you show a crying girl and say Scott Brown "deny's rape victims care". At least he doesn't exploit them in a commercial to get votes.

Last but not least, the lady can't spell Massachusetts 28 second mark.

Way to go, Martha. Good luck in the election today.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Gone in Sixty Seconds?

Nicolas Cage, probably better known as "The Wicker Man" has somehow amassed over $14 million in back taxes that he still owes the IRS.

"Over the course of my career I have paid at least $70 million in taxes, unfortunately, due to a recent legal situation, another approximate $14 million is owed to the IRS," said Cage.

First of all, holy crap. $70 million dollars in taxes?! Second, here's his next movie.

Episode V: Offerman Strikes Back

Maybe Jose Offerman should pick up some sort of winter sport like skiing or curling or something, because he sure as hell won't be anywhere near a baseball diamond from November to March. Offerman last suited up in the MLB for the New York Mets in the 2005 season, so it was almost inevitable that his career was going to go downhill faster than kids racing in a soapbox derby.

We all remember his first outburst in August, 2007, when Offerman charged the mound against the Bridgeport Bluefish, armed and dangerous with 33oz of pine, and gave a serious beatdown to both the pitcher and catcher after being hit by a fastball. Now the manager of the Licey Tigers in the Dominican Winter League, Offerman went off faster than the Mike O'Malley show when his catcher was tossed out for arguing balls and strikes. He came screaming out of the dugout, and immediately got in base umpire, Daniel Rayburn's face. After giving him a few pieces of his mind, Offerman made sure Rayburn was listening to cracking him in the mouth/neck area. It took the league president less than 24 hours to decide that Offerman would be completely banned from the winter league. At this point, Offerman could be slated to be the next villain in the third Batman movie.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Sum Of All Fears

Dear 7 Day Weekenders,

For many years, I have been constantly pestered to explain my phobia, which some people claim is “irrational”. To this I say, with all due respect- those people are stupid. But because you read this blog, I know you are not stupid, and therefore, I will enlighten you as to my one and only fear, and as to why all intelligent people should share it:

Horses. I am afraid of horses.

If you are now sitting at your computer laughing, giggling, even smiling, then you are dumb and we are no longer friends. But for those of you who aren’t, read on.

Horses are terrifying. Every horse is incredibly muscular and massive; even the smallest ones are the size of large humans, and the largest ones are approximately 15 times that of a man. Even Shaq. A Clydesdale makes Shaq look like a baby. Forgive me if I don’t like when Shaq looks like a baby.

Horses also have enormous, harder than steel feet. That’s scientifically proven. One kick from one of these babies and you’ve got a hole right through your chest. It would be like Ray Lewis driving a Ford F-150 that’s got a battering ram on the front through your sternum. One kick.

Beyond horses' physical stature and appearance (THEY HAVE EYES ON EITHER SIDE OF THEIR HEADS SO THEY CAN SEE ALL ATTACKERS), possibly the most frightening thing about them is what they are capable of. Horses are astonishingly fast; good luck running away from a horse that has decided to squash your head like a grape with its brick-sized teeth. And yet, our fellow humans insist on RIDING horses... and hitting them with whips! That’s just great; let’s get them all riled up.

Luckily for us, horses are just as stupid as the people who don’t fear them. That is the only reason that the human race remains in charge. So let us all pray together that horses don’t rise up in revolt someday.

But when they do, be prepared for me to say I told you so.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Excuse Me?!

Side Sitters: A Troubling Problem Among Teens

This just in: "Side sitters," as called in the biz, are f-ing gross (keeping it PG). So here is how it all transpired; I'm in the beloved EC cafe just minding my own business. I grabbed me a double cheese and headed to the tables. Then it happened. What, you ask? Well as my eyes ever so innocently gazed over the cafeteria to figure out my surroundings, and scope out potential shorites, I saw it. "Side sitters". You're probably asking yourself 'what the hell are side sitters and why would it invoke such emotion in a man, that he would literally vomit all over his perfectly cooked meal.' This autrocity is when two people who are clearly dating decide not to sit across from each other like normal folk, would but sit side by side. WTF!?! Why would this ever occur? If there are any side sitters out there, please fill me in so i can perhaps get a grasp on this whole thing and not cover my dub-cheese in my own bile.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Bush: Out of the White House and Into Your Pants

Watch a porn from the 70s or 80s and what do you notice? The pubes. Starting in the 90s the personal shrubbery began to be phased off of the silver screen and eventually out of bedrooms in college dorms across the nation. This clean-shaven look that was sleek and stylish for the past 20 years was never to be seen again...
Well, like all styles the shaved look has seen its glory days come and go. It's time to kick it old school. 2010 will be known as "The Year of the Bush."
So ladies if you want to be up to par with the newest in fashion, watch the video above for some stylish ideas. Guys be ready for some short and curly artistic expressions in you bed soon.
Feel free to share your own creative ideas or favorite styles as comments.

Would You Celebrate Larry Platt Day?

Larry Platt, the new 62 year old edition of William Hung, became well known to America for his original song "Pants on the Ground." What you probably don't know is that Larry Platt is a local hero in Atlanta. He even has his own holiday in the city on September 4th for his "priceless and immeasurable contributions to society" and "his great energy and commitment to equality and the protection of the innocent and for his outstanding service to the Atlanta community and the citizens of Georgia." Platt was a student of Martin Luther King Jr. in the 1960's and formed his legacy as a teenager in the civil rights movement. He remains a community activist to this day, working with the United Youth Adult Conference (a volunteer organization set up to find missing children in the Atlanta area).

So you can't really blame the guy for being disappointed in today's youth for having their "pants on the ground" after everything he fought for to gain respect from society. Unfortunately he will now be remembered for his American Idol stint rather than his good work. I have to say he has inspired me to buy a belt.

Hot v. Not: January 2010 Edition

A new year is upon us, and with all of these trivial distractions (global warming, terrorism, the recession, etc.) it can be easy to lose sight of what is most important: being cool. Fear not, my friends, for that is where we at The 7 Day Weekend come in. Here is the latest (and inaugural) edition of Hot v. Not. You're welcome.

WHAT'S HOT..................................................WHAT'S NOT


TEA (BOILING)...................................................TEA (ICED)


MOUSTACHE (JOKING)..............................MOUSTACHE (SERIOUS)

MILEY CYRUS..................................................HILARY DUFF

SWINE FLU.........................................................BIRD FLU


BALDWIN, ALEC.........................................BALDWIN, OTHERS

FARMVILLE...............................................ACTUAL FARMING


NEW JERSEY (SHORE)...........................NEW JERSEY (MAINLAND)


ALICIA KEYS...........................................FRANCIS SCOTT KEY

LAVA (MOLTEN)..........................................LAVA (HARDENED)

Lady Gaga - Choke Artist of the Year?

As if the Boilermakers at Purdue University aren't disappointed enough being located in West Lafayette, Indiana, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta goes and cancels her latest tour stop last night. Her reasoning was that she was dizzy and having trouble breathing, then she collapsed due to exhaustion and dehydration. But hey, it's okay because she Tweeted to everyone: "I hope you can forgive me. I love my little monsters more than anything."


That's really as much as I need to say to about Gilbert Arenas' situation. His "misguided effort to play a joke" seems to have taken a wrong turn in Albuquerque somewhere. Arenas has been charged with a felony involving the possession of three firearms in the Washington Wizards' locker room at the Verizon Center. This "joke" was spurred on when several members of the Wizards, specifically Javaris Crittenton, were gambling on a team flight between games. Arenas reportedly pulled a gun on Crittenton, and Crittenton, in true maverick fashion, pulled out a gun of his own. On top of being suspended indefinitely, Arenas could face up to 5 years in prison. He is reportedly in negotiations for a plea deal.

Let's go. Finally a reason to respect a major sports' commissioner. David Stern doesn't quite have that 'go get 'em, tiger' attitude, but it's good to see he stepped up his game and told Arenas to hit the road. Did Arenas eat paint chips or live under power lines as a kid or something? Why would you bring guns into an NBA locker room, located in a building where 20,000 people gather together in the same place for a few hours. Toss him in the clink.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Vols Photo Shoot?

And just when we all thought that Lane Kiffin leaving the University of Tennessee couldn't ruin their football program any more... this happens. What an embarrassment. Not only did Kiffin stiff the organization by only working there for a year out of his six-year contract, but he somehow came up with the great idea of having his football team do a "Shirts-off Lamborghini Photoshoot." I mean c'mon, really? He could have at least gotten in the shoot himself. Man up, Kiffin.

We're talking about a guy that comes into a school known for their football program and says, "we need to build a brand." Dude, Tennessee has been making "THE BRAND" of football players for 90 years! Why can't he be a little more like Bruce Pearl, the Men's Basketball head coach and get out there and paint his body or something. I've seen more school spirit from middle school girls. Have fun at USC, bud. 

Star-Crossed Lovers Allowed to Marry

Full Story

Here we have the classic tale of man-bangs-goat. This story really has everything: a full-feature Hollywood film needs forbidden love, a tragic split between the lovers, a happy ending, and most importantly, a steamy goat sex scene. Someone call James Cameron. But seriously, this Alifi character sounds like a real a-hole. First he barges in on this guy banging his goat, then proceeds to "capture and tie him up." Whats this world coming to if we cant even bang a neighbor's goat without the fear of being tied up and captured. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together." At least we can all rest tonight knowing that these two are still happily together banging in a run-down shack somewhere in Sudan.

It was also reported that after the wedding the man's father and best man also banged and married the goat's guests of honor. YEAH BUDDY!


William Hung can't hold a candle to this guy. Not even Carl Lewis or Roseanne could. If someone knows whether or not this masterpiece is on iTunes, let me know immediately. Nothing says Hotlanta quite like an appearance by the General. The real question is, was this an attempt by American Idol to boost ratings, or was it just destiny that this jive turkey happened to be in the right place at the right time, unveiling what is undoubtedly the biggest hit this decade has seen since 'Fireflies'?

Close But No Cigar

This picture describes my sex life perfectly.

  1. Lots of hair

  2. Chains

  3. A dog

  4. Missing the target

  5. Rubber with a hole in it

My Anaconda Don't Want None...

Well this outfit to the left definitely led to the end of Niecy Nash's run on "Reno 911." However, in true "Reno" fashion it appears Niecy has landed a great gig in real law enforcement (below). The obvious question on every woman's mind, is how they can get an "ass like dat". For exercise tips, I called police physical fitness expert Carl Winslow. He explained a steady diet of jelly donuts and orange soda are the key to maintaining the law enforcement physique. So ladies, get yourself a 2 liter and a bakers dozen, and you too can have some jelly-filled buns to show off.

Junior Seau Hangin' It Up

After two decades, Junior Seau is officially retiring. Following the Pats' opening round playoff loss to Baltimore 33-14, he told "Inside the NFL's" Cris Collinsworth, "that was probably my last game."

Tackling over 1,400 guys on his way to 12 out of 20 possible Pro Bowl teams in his career, Junior Seau was a force to be reckoned with in any of the 3 corners of the nation he played in.

There aren't too many 41-year olds on NFL sidelines that aren't either wearing a headset or holding a clipboard, so the fact that Seau could make it 20 years as a linebacker is all the more impressive. Clay Matthews, of both the Browns and the Falcons held the previous record for a linebacker playing in 19 seasons from 1978-1996. All I'm hoping for at this point is that Junior keeps his new television career for equally as long.

Music Review - Mos Def -- 'The Ecstatic'

Never been to heavy into rap or hip-hop, but recently I've found that there are some songs that are just plain good. What brought my attention to this, was all the "End of the Year Top" yada yada yada lists. I looked at numerous top albums of the year lists, from ESPN to Rolling Stone. I stumbled upon Mos Def's latest, went out and bought it, and I can say I'm a fan.

The CD kicks off with a track called "Supermagic," that opens with an excerpt from a speech by Malcolm X at Oxford University, and rolls into Mos Def's signature musical-rapping. "Twilite Speedball" features some hot-and-heavy horn samples backing what seems to be an almost chronicling of Mos Def's career in a dark yet redeeming sense. "Auditorium" with Slick Rick is in my opinion the perfect example of what I mean. Mos Def talks about how he's living every day in this world, and trying to find a way to make a change, but no one seems to know how to come together anymore.

One of the album's singles, "Life in Marvelous Times," just about sums up the entire piece. While telling all the gritty details of his life story, from remembering better times as a fifth grader, to "no space in the budget for a cake, it's when you gotta fly by night to save the day." I'd say this album is definitely worth a listen, whether you catch the songs on the internet or go out and pick up the album.

Big Mac vs The Chemist

Nevermind the new movie coming out in March, you're looking at a clash of the titans for the ages right here. Mark Mcgwire, who finally stepped down off his pedestal and admitted to taking steroids during the "historical" 1998 season, could do nothing but trip over his own tongue during his first interview with Bob Costas of MLB Network since the confession. “Back in the day, that was it, it was readily available, guys at gyms talked about it. I believe it was the winter of 89 into 90, I was given a couple weeks worth. I tried it, and I moved on from it," said Mcgwire.

Whether or not it was even worth mentioning that he moved on is highly questionable. Mcgwire lied to the U.S. government while under oath, and now he's just furthering the lie. Once Big Mac was done whispering sweet nothings to Costas, his next interview included the quote that seemed to have lit a small flame under Canseco's 'roid-ridden ass.
“I’m not going to stoop to his level, none of that stuff happened, he knows it, and I know it." Mark was referring to accusations made in Canseco's book, "Juiced."

“It’s an arena, it’s an area, that MLB and these players can’t go, I stand there alone. They know they can’t go there. What Mcgwire has suffered, and I can say it straight to [his] face, is nothing, not even remote to what I have suffered. And he sits there and starts crying," said Canseco in his interview with ESPN.
With one last final blow, Canseco said: "Mark, there's no crying in baseball, you know that."

I remember watching Big Mac during the 1999 Home Run Derby at Fenway Park, and going crazy when he hit one onto the Mass Pike. I literally had never marveled at anything like I did on that night. I guess this is a sign of the times, a serious wake-up call to diehard baseball fans. We're always going to have that suspicion now, and there's nothing that can be done. As far as Canseco goes, I'll let you 'Youtube' the video of the home run ball bouncing off of his head over the wall, or the time he entered that MMA fight. The choice is yours, enjoy.

How Does Everyone Feel About This?

What? I mean, exercise equipment is getting pretty silly as it is, and now we got the "Shake Weight" to claim the throne of this kingdom. I really don't even need to say much if you watched the video. Don't get me wrong though, it is entertaining. I'm just wondering who's actually buying this thing. If its trying to cater to the demographic I think it's catering to, then I don't find this funny anymore, I'm appalled.

But the bottom line is I'm sitting here with tumbleweeds blowing through my bank account while the inventor of this gem bathes in C notes. Get rich or die tryin'.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Weekend's First Post

First post of the soon to be epic journey we'll take you through on this blog. We're here to just write about whatever comes to mind, whatever the people want to hear. Some entertaining stuff, sports stories, movie and music reviews, weekend stories, and anything else people will have a good time reading. There are about 5 of us that are working on this blog, and we're just here to have a fun time writing it. Make sure you jump on board with us, because we won't disappoint.


Thanks guys