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Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Sum Of All Fears

Dear 7 Day Weekenders,

For many years, I have been constantly pestered to explain my phobia, which some people claim is “irrational”. To this I say, with all due respect- those people are stupid. But because you read this blog, I know you are not stupid, and therefore, I will enlighten you as to my one and only fear, and as to why all intelligent people should share it:

Horses. I am afraid of horses.

If you are now sitting at your computer laughing, giggling, even smiling, then you are dumb and we are no longer friends. But for those of you who aren’t, read on.

Horses are terrifying. Every horse is incredibly muscular and massive; even the smallest ones are the size of large humans, and the largest ones are approximately 15 times that of a man. Even Shaq. A Clydesdale makes Shaq look like a baby. Forgive me if I don’t like when Shaq looks like a baby.

Horses also have enormous, harder than steel feet. That’s scientifically proven. One kick from one of these babies and you’ve got a hole right through your chest. It would be like Ray Lewis driving a Ford F-150 that’s got a battering ram on the front through your sternum. One kick.

Beyond horses' physical stature and appearance (THEY HAVE EYES ON EITHER SIDE OF THEIR HEADS SO THEY CAN SEE ALL ATTACKERS), possibly the most frightening thing about them is what they are capable of. Horses are astonishingly fast; good luck running away from a horse that has decided to squash your head like a grape with its brick-sized teeth. And yet, our fellow humans insist on RIDING horses... and hitting them with whips! That’s just great; let’s get them all riled up.

Luckily for us, horses are just as stupid as the people who don’t fear them. That is the only reason that the human race remains in charge. So let us all pray together that horses don’t rise up in revolt someday.

But when they do, be prepared for me to say I told you so.

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